This is the best account I can remember of my experiences when my mind turned on me. This is something that I would not wish on my worst enemy. It all started with somebody that my brother had moved into our house.
My brother and this man didn’t get along after a while. But the guy and I got along fine, note I won’t use my name or anyone else’s name for this. Keep in mind although he did have a part to play, what would follow was my decision.
I can only blame myself for my stupidity, and I would suffer extremely dire consequences that affect me even to this day. The roommate, my brother and I moved in would smoke weed together, but he ended up getting on probation, so he could no longer smoke weed or drink.
There was one drug at the time that wasn’t regulated as illegal, and at the time it could not be drug tested for. It was synthetic cannabis called spice, not for human consumption.
At least that’s what it read on the package. However, all makers and sellers of this drug knew this was being smoked and was not an incense as advertised. It is important to note the man who invented the chemical never intended it to be used in this manner.
It was purely a research chemical until someone got a hold of the recipe and it became spice. I was fine for a long time smoking this substance, I loved it. Although it didn’t last very long, it hit the spot most days.
I was also tired of weed because I saw weed as the very reason I couldn’t get an excellent job. As I could be drug tested and be dirty and either not get or keep the job. So spice seemed like the ideal drug to be using.
I am gone through the details at the beginning other than background information, such as due to how long it lasted, always wanted to try stronger stuff.
Well, the government kept banning it, but the manufacturers would just change the formula to a new chemical, thereby getting around the ban. I believe it is a strong possibility that this chemical switching is what led to my issues, as I may not have had a problem with the first few enough I eventually found one that I did, but that is just supposition I will never really know for sure.
So the man moved out, and another guy walked in. I just switched to doing spice with him. I never got addicted to the drug or at least not that I can know. After all, that was about to would make me stop entirely and also make me very much wish that I was dead that a truck would just pop off the road onto the sidewalk ending my misery.
I started hearing people talk to me from across a noisy factory floor. To put it into context, this was impossible in reality, there was no way I could really hear them from that far away, but I, of course, did not realize that at the time.
But gradually it got worse, and I would be hearing them when I was alone by myself. I was convinced someone had put a transmitter in my ear and that was how I was hearing them. I was hearing voices, I was terrified, the sounds took a turn for the worse, and they would attack me.
I could feel like at times they were pushing me down. Odd sensations, I can never forget with a voice that sounded exactly the way the bible described demons. So at that point I decided that’s what they had to be, they were demons, so I said in the name of Jesus go away.
They, of course, didn’t but I assumed they only had to listen for like 2 seconds I was well aware of how strange I was acting. I spent every moment of every day every second yelling at them and coming up with ways of fighting them to mental tricks like trying to block them out.
Every second filled with the persecution of massive proportions I never had a moments peace throughout it. All I fought back in any way I could from screaming at them to mystical powers I had invented or instead as I believed I had learned to use.
What I think that it was now was a tool my mind created as a defense for my self, I truly needed some kind of weapon for me to use against my attackers if I had believed I was utterly helpless I may either be off my rocker to this day or had killed myself.
As I said, they were there almost every second I was terrified. I would blast them with my energy. They would scream out in pain and then maniacally laugh at me all the while similarly attacking me to being stabbed.
Although it wasn’t real and I didn’t feel pain from it was kind of like how it’s supposed to feel if a ghost walks through you, made me even more terrified as they said that they were damaging my soul which while it couldn’t be destroyed.
If they ruined it enough, I would never be able to fend them off and be stuck like this for the rest of my life. This went on for a while my mind was on overdrive constantly active at a high rate of speed for months at this point, that was starting to take its toll.
I felt mentally exhausted not normal, mental exhaustion but like 10x the max and it would only get worse from here. I reached the stage where I stopped being afraid I’d been fearful for far too long, and I was sick of it.
The fear turned into anger, I was beyond mad and used my rage to attack them all the time. Again, none of this would have been readily apparent to a passerby as all I did was walk around and converse and curse the voice in my head while imaginative sling attacks at them kind of like energy blast, devised seals to trap them with none of it worked.
It grew to the next stage where I started hearing other voices other than the demons, they were “real people” that were what were called consciously aware and then there were the unconscious ones that didn’t know the demons messed with us in that matter. I would soon learn that the people were not my friends either there was one voice in the hostile world.
I had invented that was not attacking me and tried to help me, guide me down the right path again the path that my decision is telling me is real. I had gotten trapped in the new world not physically but my soul had is what I believed.
So I had to get out first to deal with the demons to finally silence all of this forever and have my mind back to my self for the first time in 1 year. I fought them, just the same they were ruthless claimed to be killers and wanted absolute obedience from me, for them to leave me alone my orders were to kill someone, not in the spiritual world or whatever it was called me don’t remember all the details so much happened.
I had to kill someone for real with my own hands. I refused I’m not a bad person, I’m no killer and won’t kill a random stranger to save my self. I continued to fight them with my all by my side, I tried reasoning with them, that didn’t work; they just got worse.
So my anger made me think of the most terrifying mythical creature. I could imagine, a dragon may not have been real but if they had been what I would do next would number one probably be impossible for one person if magic existed in reality and be unforgivable and ruthless although I felt justified.
I created 2 baby construct dragons that could learn and breed and grow swarms to attack every member until they consented as that was the rule every member of the “game” had to agree to let someone go.
It worked like a charm, but in my mind, I was the one of the “game” that could not see them only feel them, but the others had awakened their 3rd eye fully, so it was not only minor sensations and audio they were hearing but full-blown sight.
So, the dragons were meant to come in swarms after them all and terrified them and if necessary use force and defeat them as that was the other way damage their souls to the point where they would have anything left barely, and they would be forced into surrender at that point.
This was the only thing that went my way in this, I think the reason why was it was such a powerful thought and plan of action I was totally convinced it could not fail. They finally consented, and I was out, after being threatened that they would find me in real life and kill me.
They hated me I was the only one to succeed, excuse my spelling, I can’t be bothered right now spell checking. This is hard enough trying to force these hard memories out of an experience I can probably never share with people as almost nobody is going to understand, and most feel an aversion to mental illness, in general, I’ve tried, and it ended friendships.
So I chose to stay quiet about all this and just keep the haunting memories to my self. after this, the demons came back to taunt me just the same but this time I believed I had real power, but no matter how much or how hard I fought they never went away, it was then that I realized I had an idea of what they were going to say before they said it. so I would experiment with it and imagine they were going to so for example chicken butt and low and behold that’s exactly what I heard.
It was at this moment that I finally had the nagging thought of what this really was. But this was impossible for me to accept at the time as if it was indeed a mental illness that meant there would be no magical cure no way of silencing them, I would be like this for life that was a hopeless situation to accept, and I just couldn’t accept that at the time.
I had been like this now for 2 years straight never having a quiet moment to my self my mind never being still my brain felt like it was going to shut down I desperately needed peace and quiet. I was feeling burnt out almost like someone who’s catatonic.
Although I wasn’t that just vacant tired of the mind to the degree that no words can describe, I finally came upon the realization that if I believed they would say nothing, then I would hear nothing, but now I was finally ready to accept it is a mental illness. I went down to a clinic and told them I was hearing voices and just wanted them to stop.
I was prescribed Risperdal, but it didn’t stop them, and I learned the serious side effects that drug had, so, on the one hand, I hear voices and live and on the other hand I take the drug and potentially shorten my life. In other words, damn if I do damn if I don’t, now I think the voice came with an addiction of its own. I had gotten so used to hearing voices that I think my brain couldn’t hear them.
I started creating them without realizing it was this realization that they were my thoughts of what they were going to say that proved to be the key. I slowly learned to stop imagining. they were going to say anything, and slowly little by little, they started vanishing by the 3rd year. I was almost voice free, but the mental exhaustion of all this left its toll on me, and I was awkward and weird around other people.
My self-esteem was completely shattered forming complex thoughts was very hard as all my mind needed then was rest, the road to recovery has taken years, and it’s now been 7 or 8 years since it began. I no longer hear voices I can form my complex thoughts and think out long and complex ideas again. So if you took the time to read this and your considering trying spice just take my experiences to heart.
If you are not strong-willed, you may not end up as lucky as I was you may go over the edge and never come back as I would have, if I had given into my madness, please don’t do this to yourself. No one should experience this, and in case you’re wondering I only went over highlights as it’s hard to remember all of it as I’m sure I’ve suppressed a vast majority of these memories.
The worst time in my entire life the worst experience that I believe I will ever have, I no longer smoke spice or pot for that matter, and I barely drink now, but I’m finally in a state that I believe I can put the pieces back together and become a better person. I will not give up ever just don’t do it the consequences could be far worse than you can even imagine.