My time is definitely at hand, all melodrama and exaggeration aside.
This “story” should be pages long, but my head just can’t do it.
I am Spice’s bitch, its Gollum like creature-pet.
It has succeeded in transforming me into a 27 year old creature that has dropped out of college 3 times, just lost an easy job, going broke, isolated hopelessly addicted freak.
The Gollum comparison began years ago.
1st time, I found myself on all fours like a beast in my apt searching floor for dropped flakes.
It’s been years, since 2011.
Back then, it was bad enough, but I kicked it twice (8 months then 18 months).
May God have mercy on me for my relapse.
Mind u people, I actually ordered the shit online and paid for shipping this premeditated self-torture and it’s infinitely worse this time.
I’m 11 months deep again, since that 1st order after 18 months clean, and people who’ve been in this twisted game long as me will know what I’m saying when I say the new chems are nothing like before.
I’m trying to kick here, man.
I’m in tears, scared to smoke scared not to smoke.
It was never physical before, but now I can’t fucking hold down water!
Puking bile and blood!
My head feels underwater, like I’m in a dream, my heart is doing weird shit.
Don’t know long it lasts.
Please help, whoever has kicked these new chems.
Should I be in the ER?
I don’t want to burden my family no more, don’t even want them to know I ever relapsed again.
I can’t bear having them worry about me, but I’m afraid even if I don’t puke to death here (my body aches so bad from wrenching it hurts to breathe), I’m gonna have a heart attack or something.
And even then! The mental shit.
Am I gonna be a wet-brain for the rest of my life?
Can anyone (recent chems/blends) offer any hope/encouragement regarding physical/mental withdrawal symptoms going and STAYING away?
At least offer me your hope and prayers.
Jesus, I ended up rambling like a motherfucker.
Please help, and from the depths of my rotten should whatever love may be left there I send it out to those addicted to this shit and their loved ones.
God help us.
Water’s about to come back up again.