I started smoking so that I could pass continual drug testing. I have a highly secured position which requires me to work at power plants.
Spice at first tasted bad and it stunk. Thus was coming from a 15 years marijuana smoker. This sh*t has taken over. Ive never personally tried hard drugs but from what I heard from others and witnessed in myself, the usage frequency and behaviors are like that of a “crackhead” but the high and withdrawal compare to an opiate addiction. The control it has is tremendous.
As I look around, my new collection of cars turned into a used car and a bicycle (which I pawned). My suits are all put away. My teeth are brown. I don’t even shave often or cut my hair. I thought having my first son would straighten me out…….I have even said go fuck yourself and my son to my wife. Irresponsible about my actions. Nervous even though I have it. If one bag finishes I already have another, no matter the cost. I spend about $900 a month in spice, wraps, and redbull Minimum….my rent is 25 bucks more than that. Im living paycheck to paycheck but I earn a decent living. My wife is always stressed over bills, they always get paid late. And There’s the pawnshop. So much of my stuff, tools computer, car audio, even my personal phone; but nothing that pertains to her, the baby, or house.
I am lately so paranoid that even the pizza guy or lawn guy or whomever is a cop. Two to three hour sleep intervals……5 to 10 redbulls daily…its the only thing I’ve found that cuts the foam…the taste in your mouth is terrible, I never kiss my wife. My smoking is so constant at home that I rarely shower after work just smoke and pass out with it in my hand. Everything has a burn mark on it, blankets, pillows, furniture, clothes, and my chest. Its a jittery high for me since I combine spice and redbull then home to my cave. I pretty much live in the den of our home, I never sleep next to my wife anymore; just too tired from work to shower and I cant smoke so in the den I go. I smoke burn everything and lose everywhere. This sh*t sucks I am a strong person, but when it comes to this I have no control.
I Have read that it just takes some time to kick this addiction but Im afraid that if I dont have some place away from home to do this my behavior may become unbearable. I cant perform at work going through withdraws, nor can I get the time away get clean. I dont want to lose my family or my job….but it seems like I will either way.