My addiction started about 3 1/2 years ago.
Me and a couple mates started smoking the shit because of the drug tests for employment and being a lover of weed, It was like a dream come true to be able to smoke and not get caught.
I started taking it to work (forgot to mention I worked away from home) and smoked every night before bed. Eventually, it became a habit which I only did at work or at a mates house when I was home for r&r. This carried on during my employment in the mines and it worked. I had total control over the drug and never craved it because I had a routine.
Fast forward 3 hazy clouded years to September 2014. Being a father of 3 kids me and my partner had decided that I was going to be a stay at home dad while she worked, so I didn’t have to be away from my family for extended periods of time. I used to go to the gym at night after the kids were all tucked in bed then afterwards I would go to my garage hit a couple bowls then eat and sleep. It worked – so I thought!!
I was putting on a lot of muscle and getting a lot of sleep and felt great. I never would I have touched it unless it was after training or if I was alone at home or at my mates house.
Then something happened…2 kids went back to school and I was left with my 18 month old baby. I’d smoke a bowl during her nap time which I still thought was ok because she was asleep I didn’t see the problem.
After a week, I found myself smoking a cone before a school drop off then straight after when we got home. I had passed out for an hour or so while my baby girl was playing in the back yard. I woke up and can’t believe I hit another cone….. And another and another….
WTF was I doing? my baby girl was playing in the yard all from 9am till 3pm. I didn’t see how wrong it was – all I could think about was rationing my gear until I had to pick up the older kids, then they could look after the baby inside while their piece of shit dad was high as fuck in the back only coming in to check every half hour or so and maybe feed them if I remembered too.
I’d get so angry if they didn’t listen to me, even though I probably didn’t make sense so I would just stay outside till there mother got home then pretend I had a big day doing chores.
I was buying a gram in the morning then a g at night, then I decided to buy 3 g bags in the morning so I wouldn’t have to go back at night…. Eventually 3 didn’t last so I just bought 7gram bags. I would hide the money by stealing meat from the shops and using the money I saved to get more smoke. I was starting major fights with my partner just so I could sleep in the garage and get high as fuck all night.
The thing is you know it’s wrong when you’re high but as soon as it wears off you don’t give a fuck and hit it again and again.
I managed to stop the day time hits after a week and a half or so of being father of the year by smoking real weed, which took the edge off but let me function and do my chores. Then when my parter got home I’d just start a fight with her of just sneak out when she was asleep to my garage and get blasted.
At this point, I still didn’t see a problem. I actually thought i was smart, doing it this way.
Well this has lasted till last week when I had a major anxiety attack while my kids were in the house.
All I could think about was how wrong it is to do this to my family and tied a rope around my neck in my garage while my kids were inside watching T.V and my partner at work. What kind of man am I?
I’ve always had control for so long then I turn to this, the only thing that stopped me was not leaving 3 girls under 7 fatherless because they already were… It was if they found me that’s a image that would haunt them forever.
There’s so much more to this I could write. I have 3 years of stories, but this is the worst person I could ever become. Doing this to my family is wrong. And what’s worse is I’ve managed to lie so well nobody suspects a thing so I’m alone
So far, I managed to cut back this week and have only bought a 1 gram bag which was last night as I was home alone. But after a week of being somewhat clean (smoking the pipe resins and crumbs in old bags), I woke up this morning a new man. I haven’t been to buy it today despite being home alone, and I’ve thrown all my smoking equipment.
So wish me luck 🙂 and I’d like to thank all who have posted on here as it’s comforting (in a way) to know I’m not alone.