When I was in my early 20s, I had tried weed and alcohol but wanted something more easily accessible. I went to a head shop and bought my first jar of spice.
I forget the name (something with a dragon in it?) and went home and gave it a try. I was severely disappointed. I felt nothing. I would still occasionally smoke it since I spent damn near $50 on a little ass jar. But it didn’t really get me high.
I didn’t realize until that jar ran out that I was desperately chasing something. I started to try more and more different kinds of spice to the point that some places stopped selling it, and I would drive far distances in search of it only to be disappointed.
I finally got some, and I would instantly know if I got ripped off. When I got “good” stuff, I felt our of body, sometimes looking at myself like I was an animal or something.
Like a piece of meat, I relate to that feeling when I read that another person felt that way. I had many bad experiences. Once a boyfriend at the time and I were smoking, and he lost it and had a lapse in memory and was screaming so loud in our small apartment and would not stop.
I even tried to put a pillow on his face to muffle the sound because I was afraid someone would call 911. Eventually, he came to and had no memory of anything. That freaked me out.
My sister did it with me once and instantly threw up and passed out on my bathroom floor. I did it with many people, many of whom I knew were addicts or flat our bumps. But we did anything to chase that high.
I used to smoke it out of a bongo and then decided I was quitting. I threw the bongs in the dumpster of my apt complex and later dug it out to scrape the pipe to get anything I could. It was terrible.
I ended up dropping out of college and quitting my job, living day to day googling how to quit while I was smoking a bowl of spice. My bones used to pop, and I remember getting in the shower, not even having hardly enough energy to wash my body.
I completely lost my voice two times in one year and couldn’t go to a job interview because I literally could not speak. This is all true. One of my best long-time friends smoked with me daily, and we started to develop this weird sexual relationship that was just odd and uncomfortable.
I don’t know what changed me. I was smoking 10 grams a day, literally. I had no life. One day, I just stopped buying it, I stopped trying to find it. I googled if I would ever feel normal again.
Nothing made me happy. Like whatever chemical in your body that causes happiness was flatlined. I was going day to day, not looking forward to anything. I tried to smoke weed and swear to God; it didn’t even get me high. This was all about 6 years ago.
I want people to know you can recover. And you can do it on your own, I am proof. I started trying to find new hobbies. I remember painting canvases with acrylic paints. They are cheap to buy. I painted them with my favorite band’s names. They are still hanging on my walls to this day. I got into crafts.
I always felt like nothing made me happy. But I did something with myself rather than lying in bed all day. Get up, do something. Anything is better than nothing. I started to feel more energy gradually. I cut out the party people in my life who were only bringing me down.
It sucks to let some people go, but I hit a point where I had no choice. Eventually, I met someone who cared for me and didn’t do drugs, and we bonded on many other things. Since then, he and I have split up.
But I didn’t want to be that bum smoking a bowl of spice all day with no job around him. I wanted to be someone he was proud of and admired. Fast forward to today.
I smoked spice daily for 1.5 years and lost a lot, and my life went a weird direction. Now, I smoke weed socially and drink a lot more. But I am functional, I work out, have a good job, take pride in my work, and a lot of things make me happy.
Physically my bones font crack and pop. I have energy, and I found hobbies that I enjoy. I don’t miss spice. I feel unfortunate when I hear of people getting hooked because I have been there, and I know the hopelessness.
Once you get past not having that high, for 1, 2, 3 days. Just quit. You got this. And it’s a work in progress. You will feel numb for a while. Just keep moving forward.
I promise you, looking back, going through that awful period was worth it. I sweated a lot, and my hands would shake, and I felt sick. But I can’t imagine how I would think if I kept going.