I wish I would of never smoked that stuff.
I haven’t smoked spice in years and am still dealing with the fact I’m not the same – and can’t fix what is wrong with me.
I’m not retarded or anything like that.
My grammar and poor punctuation and spelling might say otherwise, LOL, but to anyone else on the street who saw me you would think I was just your normal decent looking preppy kid.
But in my mind, there’s nothing.
Like seriously. I can’t think.
I used to deal with having minor trouble concentrating, but nothing like this.
I feel so detached from reality.
After I smoked and quit for the last time, as the weeks went by, I really lost my marbles.
I thought I was born retarded, for the longest time.
I thought that everything I believed before was all lies I was made to believe.
For instance, my mom used to call me her “sweet special boy”.
After I smoked spice and quit and was going through whatever the heck I was going through, I thought she meant I was “special” – like I had been born mentally lacking and never told me.
So I would beg her to tell me.
My symptoms after quitting were like being a newborn baby. Well, somewhat.
I couldn’t understand words. I couldn’t speak properly. My looks changed.
You know how hard drug users get all scary looking?
Well, the right side of my face is still semi like that.
I like to think I have model hard features like the really handsome guys do, but ya know, I’m not all there – but believing that helps.
But now, almost 3 and a half years later, I’ve realized I can’t fix these things. I’m stuck this way.
I can’t keep a relationship because my feelings go away, a few weeks later.
I NEVER was like that before.
Even when I was smoking that crap, I had a girlfriend. A GORGEOUS one.
Who left, after I changed from that shit.
Anyways, there’s so much wrong here.
If you have read this far, you can tell I’m not organized. My thoughts are all over the place. Ugh.
Seriously just wish I would have never smoked it.
I condemned myself to this empty life.
I’m living in hell, trying to cope with all of it, still.
It’s hard, but you only get one life right?
I’m trying to still see the color on a old vintage photo of me and my last relationship.
I can’t let go. I’m stuck.
Whoever reads this, thank you for reading my lame story.
I hope you don’t smoke spice, and if you are, quit!
It’s seriously worth it.
Everything you still have is precious to who you are as a person.
I can’t even laugh anymore. I have to force myself to.
I can’t sleep without stopping breathing.
I can’t stay motivated to do ANYTHING for more than 2 days.
Just listen and be wise.
a lost purpose.